This blog may be one of the more transparent ones that I have written up to this point. Because of its transparency, it is also one that makes me uncomfortable to write. I don’t like transparency because it makes me vulnerable. One of the reasons why people don’t like to be vulnerable to others is that this vulnerability opens themselves up to be hurt by what others say and do. Instead, for self-protective reasons, we all tend to keep conversations and interactions with others on a pretty superficial level. That way, I can’t be so easily hurt. So, in the spirit of “practicing what I preach” I am going to open myself up a little bit this evening. I know that this will give you an opportunity to say something that is hurtful to me (even if you can justify it as telling me a “hard truth”), but I believe it is important for me to do this and I would like to have more relationships that get beneath the surface of superficiality. Here it goes.

            I am in a spiritually dry place. And right now it doesn’t bother me one bit. Well, I guess that isn’t totally true. It does bother me to the point that I think about it and I know I should be (and want to be) in a more spiritually alive place.

            Over my almost 15 years as a follower of Christ, I have had several cycles in which I felt so close to the Lord that I felt I could tangibly feel His presence. I would be in this place for weeks, or maybe months, at a time. I would them cycle to a somewhat spiritually dry place but it wouldn’t be long until my spiritual pendulum would swing somewhere back in the middle. The problem with this current pendulum swing to the dry side is that it has gone the farthest it has ever gone and it has stayed there for probably about a month. Although I am reading my Bible most every day, I find that my mind wanders very quickly and I lose interest in what I am reading. I have to help you understand the significance of this. I LOVE reading the Bible and thinking about what it is teaching me. So, this loss of interest in reading the Bible and my inability to stay focused on it bothers me a great deal. My prayer life has waned some as well. I have often enjoyed communicated with the King of the universe throughout the day. I have never been one to consistently spend long times in prayer, I usually spend a lot of the day thinking about the Lord, and asking questions and listening to what He says. I have always felt that this is what it is meant by a “prayer life”. At this point, I intercede for people and things but feel like it is to no avail. I find myself only being able to say “Jesus” over and over again. Lately, I have been saying the name of “Jesus” and following that with an adjective that describes some aspect of who He is.

            For the sake of space let me leave it at that. The good news is that our ministry is still going strong, we have a proposal on the table to develop another aspect of the ministry and we are still excited about the future of the ministry. I also still firmly trust in the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross for my sins. He is my savior and the lover of my soul.

            What is also the good news is this, the intensity with which God loves me and holds onto me has never and will never wane. I know that He is always there for me even when I don’t feel it. When my Bible reading is in the state that it is right now or when my prayer life is less than what I want it to be, my Father in heaven has still engraved me in the palm of His right hand (Isaiah 49:15)! We all need to hold onto this truth and never let it go – that God is not like us. He doesn’t change, He is always the same! Thank God!

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